Is Watermelon an Animal?

or

Could God Turn Himself Into Jelly?

Edip Yuksel, Yahya’s Father
www.19.org

My first son, Yahya, was born in 1st of July, 1990, as a divine gift in the anniversary of my rejection of the sectarian teachings and acceptance of the Quran as the only source of my religion. The following excerpts from our journal start with a number indicating Yahya’s age. The fractions of the year provide the exact date of the event from his birthday. The journal contains observations and reports of Yahya’s parents regarding the development of their son. The evolving mind of a well cared child is the most curious and amusing experience; especially if he or she is your own child. I recommend every parent to observe and listen to their children carefully and note them down in a journal. Besides, I recommend a special photo album with subtitles. I wish I had such things left from my parents. Don’t deprive your children from their sweetest moments. I don’t need to tell you the difference between a journal and a videotape. Each has its own merit.

2.312 Bottle-neck

I wish I could keep a daily record about you. You are the salt and pepper of our home. You are its honey and jelly. We are getting along with you very well. We hope it will last forever.

Several days ago you were playing with a transparent plastic bottle that held your marbles in it. You were trying to drop a little plastic ball into it from the air. After a couple of misses, finally you exclaimed, “BASKET!”, and applauded yourself. Then, you wanted to take the ball out of the bottle.

The neck of the bottle was too narrow to allow your hand out together with the ball. You tried to force it with no success. You dropped the ball back to the bottom of the bottle. You gave force another try, again with no result. You did not try a third time. You held the bottle and turned it upside down. The ball fell out! You learned another lesson: your mind is more useful than your muscles.

2.580 The Healing Stick

Last week you made my week with an amusing conversation. These days you enjoy playing with sticks. Like the Prophet Moses carrying a staff, you carry a chopstick with you all the time.

You noticed that the tuning button of the old radio was missing. Instead of taking the button and inserting it back where it belonged, you poked that chopstick here and there into the radio while declaring, “I’ll fix it!” It was an enchanting scene. In the end, you showed the wisdom of using your hands by grabbing the button and putting it in its socket. You erupted with joy screaming, “I did it, I did it!” Somehow, you were giving the credit to your chopstick. Your mom and I congratulated you for this accomplishment. You were mesmerized by your chopstick!

Several minutes later you noticed the redness in my eyes due to the soap I had used in the shower. First, you informed me with a mixture of Turkish, English and Persian, “Baba your eyes kirmiz.” Soon you remembered your magical stick and pointed it at my eyes saying, “I will fix it.” I immediately put my eyeglasses on for protection. We were laughing hysterically until moments later you inserted that chopstick into my ear. You lost the possession of that stick for a while.

Your baba.

3.002 A New World

At this time you are not only able to make sentences, you make jokes too, without of course, even knowing that you are saying something funny.

When you are tired and want me to hug you, you say: “I hug you”

If we hurt your feelings we apologize immediately, you say: “No, you forgive me”

When your mom or I tell you, “Yahya, forgive me,” you respond by saying, “No, you forgive me.”

Yesterday, while waiting in the bus station in front of Baskin Robins, you kept asking for “dondurma” . When I showed you the bus on the horizon, at first you ignored it. When you could no longer deny the existence of the bus as it came closer, you made up a lie for the sake of the ice-cream: “it’s going wrong way, baba.” I was happy to learn that you discovered the only lie that could have credibility. I am sorry that I could not afford missing that bus. But you had your ice-cream at home.

You are buzzing and humming the song “Oooh New World” from your favorite movie, Aladdin. It is with you that we discover every day another new world.

3.016 Don’t Cry

My friend Altan and his wife Ebru have come fromTurkeyon their honeymoon. They will be our guests for several weeks. You have become pals with Ebru in a very short time.

Your mother was outside. Altan and Ebru were by the door on their way to the market. When you noticed them going out you did not hesitate a moment to leave me to join them. First, you wanted to inform me that I was condemned to stay at home alone by pointing at me with your index finger, “You are now one. You are one!” You did not forget to add a piece of advice: “Read your book. I’m going out. Don’t cry.” You repeated it several times, extending the last syllabus of the word “cry.” Altan’s majestic belly is shaking with laughter.

3.043 I don’t say it anymore

You are talking and talking and talking.

You are excited about discovering the power of words. You are learning taboo words too. From whoever and however you have learned it, now you started saying “SHIT” accompanied by a morose facial expression. Your mother warned you not to say it and told you that it was a bad word.

Later I overheard you telling something to your mom with a great excitement: “I don’t say bad words . . . anymore . . . I don’t say SHIIIIT!”

3.2 Little commander’s tongue

Several days ago while crossing the street, you insolently gave advice to a lady who was smoking. She was perplexed when she heard a command, “don’t smoke!” But she started laughing when she noticed how small the mouth of the commander was!

You continue this defiant attitude. Today, you stuck your tongue out to the girls on the bus whereas you are usually cordial and kind to strangers.

3.246 Bad guys

You still categorize the strangers in two ways: good guys and bad guys.

Under the influence of the morally black and white TV you look for this contrast everywhere. Now you are watching a documentary on PBS about a medical team trying to save some endangered African elephants through artificial insemination. The medical team is chasing elephants and shooting them with a sedative knocking them to the ground. You have a hard time understanding this task and repeatedly ask me, “who are these?” When I tell you that they are doctors, you wonder, “are they bad doctors?” When I tell you that everyone on the screen is “good guy” you cannot understand. You still ask, “where are the bad doctors?” I did not tell you that they were in hospitals.

3.246 First spelling exercise

Your verbal communication skills are improving rapidly. When you want me to sit on the floor you use and illustrative analogy: “daddy, sit like a pretzel.” You can now ask, “what are you talking about?” You do not miss the article “the” in your question, “you don’t like the sun?” (you are asking about the sun inTucson!) To show off that you can spell your name, you put your favorite alphabet segments before your name. You say, “XYW Yahya” or “RST Yahya.”

3.268 I don’t know

Two days ago, for first time, I questioned you about God. I asked you who made me, and who made you. Then I pointed at the mountains and the sky and asked you who made all of those. After you glanced at your surroundings you gave your answer with confidence: “giraffe.” I told you that the mountains and the sky are very big and too high. You modified your answer by qualifying the giraffe: “big giraffe, tall giraffe!” I could tell from your sparkling eyes that you were almost sure that you got the right answer.

Despite the cost of spoiling your excitement and happiness, I continued asking. I reminded you that the sun was much higher, and besides, too hot to touch. I again repeated my question: “Yahya, who do you think made them?” You shrugged your shoulders, lifted your lower lip and said “I don’t know.” Now you had enough knowledge to acknowledge your ignorance, a good step towards wisdom.

3.819 Objection! Hearsay

Recently you started talking about God, mostly exploiting the concept in order to please or amuse us. However, sometimes you make excellent comments regarding God.

Your mother and I have been encouraging you to join us while we pray. One day you wanted to pray with your shoes on. Your mother told you to take them off. But you blatantly rejected this. Then, your mom appealed to God.

“God says you cannot pray with your shoes on.”

You were not moved by this holy decree. You insisted on keeping your shoes on by supporting your action through reason.

“I did not hear God saying that.”

Your mother could not continue. I was amused and delighted. You joined us with your shoes on. By this statement you both questioned authority (your mother) and also demanded a kind of empirical evidence to be convinced. You acted like an able lawyer objecting to hearsay or a scientist rejecting paranormal claims. I hope you will never cease questioning assumptions, including those of your parents.

3.901 Ghosts

One night, after I put you in your bed, you told me that you are scared of ghosts. “Here comes trouble,” I said to myself. You seemed partially serious, partially acting. First, I denied the existence of ghosts. It did not work. Then, I told you that your daddy is so strong all ghosts were scared of coming close to our home. In order to give you visual assurance, I showed you my muscles like a body builder. But soon I realized the problematic nature of this assurance. It could require me to sleep in your bedroom, forever. Finally, I had to bring God in.

“Don’t worry! God will take care of you. He is great. He will kick out all the ghosts from your room.”

You said “No (meaning that you did not buy my argument), God is great.” While shaking your head horizontally, you continued, “He cannot fit my room.”

I did not try to fit God into your room. Your simple reasoning was a linguistic lesson. Our language is ambiguous and open to misunderstanding and abuse. You were right; God could not be that “big” if he was so close to us!

3.923 Deductive Reasoning

“God created everything. He created you and me. He created your mom. He made all the houses, all the mountains, and all the stars. All the toys, all the trees and all the cars. He created this fruit and that food. God created everything and He is very Good.”

After listening to this theological indoctrination, you asked a simple question in a very serious tone:

“Why God created bad guys?”

In fact, this question is one of the most difficult philosophical arguments which theologians have been wrestling with for centuries.

“I don’t know,” I replied helplessly, “when you grow up you will find out yourself.”

Your thinking process was clear. I had underestimated you. I never have told you that it was God who created bad guys. Apparently, you used the following deductive reasoning with three premises and two conclusions.

P-1. God created everything.
P-2. Bad guys are something.
C-1. Then God created bad guys.
P-3. But God is a good guy.
C-2. Then He shouldn’t have created bad guys!?

Your question was an expression of confusion generated by the contradiction between your two conclusions, i.e., C-1 and C-2. Ironically, your daddy has a belief system inflicted with this contradiction.Why do I have that belief system? Well, to avoid living with a much bigger contradiction; it is a matter of a logical deal I have negotiated for myself. Sure, there is more to it; but this is not the right place.

3.945 When you grow up…

I am asking you what you want to be when you grow up. “Cooking an” (that is, a cook) was your immediate answer. Later, you gave up and switched to your favorite cartoon character. You would become a “Ninja Turtle!”

3.978 You Rascal

Well, today we had a big fight. It started when you pulled the hand brake while I was driving. As a punishment, I stopped talking to you. You retaliated by not coming out of the car (a 1993 red Honda Civic) on a hot, really hot afternoon. I warned you to get out. I told you that you would be broiled in the car like a hotdog. When you started yelling and hitting me, I was left with the last choice. I spanked your buttocks several times. You tried to scare me by saying: “I will tell everybody that you are bad daddy!” We ended our fight with a repeated exchange of apologies with the sweetest statement: “I love you.”

***

Within the last two weeks you have made many amusing and interesting comments. Here are the ones I could not forget:

“Why Scruffy (our little dog) is not going to school?”

“My daddy is going toBostonto get some horses” (instead of saying courses)

“We don’t eat pork; why then God created pork?”

“Why watermelon is not a vegetable?”

And a couple of morbid ones:

“Why you do not eat dinner while you are dead?”

“Why don’t we go to God without dying?”

Finally, my favorite one:

“Remember, you are (to me!) sometimes crazy!”

Well, you are more generous than your mom. To her, I am sometimes sane!

4.189 My Sweet Yahya

(by Apameh)

My sweet Yahya hello. You are sleeping soundly now and I thought I would write to you. I cannot believe it’s been over 2 years since I’ve written in this book. Edip has been keeping up pretty well. You are a joy, a gem in our lives. God has endowed you with such beauty of mind and body. Inshallah, He will guide you to be the best that you can be, above all things, a good Muslim, a believer in God alone. You pray with us and you’re so adorable. Most of the time, you’re too playful during the Salaat. Inshallah, this will change with time. You still go to preschool and have started swimming lessons atFt.LowellPark. You love it and are thrilled by it. Life is good, alhamdulillah. You are raised in a loving and positive, healthy atmosphere. We try to educate you as much as possible. You’re very expressive and loving. You are a good friend to your father and me.

I’m pregnant with Matine and inshallah he’ll join us in 2 months. I’m so excited to see your reaction towards him and his presence in our lives. From what I see in you, I can bet that you’ll be a wonderfully loving big brother. You do very well with children older than yourself and don’t seem very interested in playing with younger children. You communicate well and are learning your alphabet and numbers now.

We are still inTucsonand Edip is going to theUniversityofArizonaas a graduate student. Inshallah, he’ll apply to law school. I’m still working atElDoradoHospitaland they’re very good to me.

We hope to be able to provide you and Matine with a good future, inshallah. I try to instill in you an appreciation for everything that God has given you. Inshallah you’ll always hold this in your heart. I love you with all my heart.

Love always, Api.

4.320 Hard-working family

On my way home from school I picked you up from La Petite, the day care center. After getting out of the bus, on our way home, you wanted me to carry you. I told you that I had worked hard and I was tired. You said “Mommy works hard too!” I acknowledged that fact and was happy that you appreciated her hard work. Nevertheless, when you continued I learned that you used her as a pretext to justify your denied demand:

“You are working hard, Mommy is working hard, and I am playing hard.”

4.391 Eagle and dudul

Last night you were asking me the meaning of words such as “release”, “order” and “condemn”. You told me that you heard them from Disney’s Aladdin. I am very glad that you are learning big words.

But you still call “quarters” “eagle moneys.”

Your brother Metin (Matine) is one week old and he is continuously sucking your mommy’s breast. You tell people that your baby brother has “come out” from your mother’s “dudul,” your own word.

4.400 I am strong, but

I was getting ready to go to work as an intern in Pretrial services at Pima County Jail. You wanted to come with me. I told you that they don’t allow children. Criminals or bad guys could hurt you. You needed to grow up and become stronger.

“I am strong,” you protested. “Okay, I said, if you can move this stove one foot to left then you can come with me.” The stove was so heavy even I have a hard time moving it. You started pushing it from here and there without any sign of hope. Then, you discovered the reason of your failure to move the stove:

“Edip, you see there is a teapot on the stove. If you take that away then I can move the stove!”

4.545 Write it down

Your room is filled with toys, books, and clothes. The life span of a toy is about one or two days; they end up in one of the boxes in your room waiting hoplessly for your attention. Again you started asking money to buy a plastic toy from the wending machine. This time I refused to give you money.

— “You want a lot of things Yahya. You ask too much for money.”

Your answer was a drama.

— “It is not fair. You are rich. You are a winner; I’m a loser!”

***

While driving to the hospital where your mom is working as a dietitian:

— “This guy is an idiot; he passes through a red light!

— “Why Edip? What makes people stupid?”

— “Perhaps he drank alcohol.

— “Yes, he drank alcohol and ate pork.”

— “I like it Yahya.”

— “Then write it in my book (diary)!

4.778 Love

(by Apameh)

My sweet Yahya,

You are now a little over 4 1/2 years of age. You are very expressive and talkative. You love Matine but at times act jealous which is a very normal emotion. You love dede and your gramma Ferideh and they love you more than life itself. They are here now and you love having them here. You are a very family-loving person. You care about good clothes and jewels. Dede promised to bring some fromIran. You are very smart and you like going to La Petite and playing with your friends. Your teachers say you are attentive. You are also taking piano lessons and like Yanni’s music. You enjoy Masjid and the kids there. You pray at times and sometimes play around and don’t want to join the prayer. I love you, my son. Inshallah, you’ll grow to be a loving and respectful and God-loving person.

Love, Api.

4.939 Your mom is cranky

It was several weeks ago. I want to write it before I forget it.

You were checking the mailbox. I saw it as a great moment that deserved to be frozen. Standing on your toes, with one hand holding the door of the mailbox, you stretched your neck in order to see the mail. I rushed in to get the camera. While running back I fell and dropped it. Fortunately, there was no significant damage. I took your picture, but to my dismay, I later learned that the camera did not contain any film.

Evening. I’m talking to your mother and telling her how I rushed to take your picture: “I fell bad,” I whined, expecting a word of comfort. Your mother did not show any sign of concern. But when I added, “the camera fell with me too,” her eyes opened wide: “did you break it?!”

***

The same evening we are all together having dinner at the kitchen table. The lettuce in the salad tasted bitter. In a half-serious tone I asked:

— “Apameh, I fear the lettuce might be poisonous. What you think?”

— “Well,” she said, shrugging her shoulder, “then, eat it!”

4.947 Retaliation

Eight o’clockin the morning. You wake up and come to my office saying “good morning.” I kiss you and tell you not to watch TV now. I remind you that you watch TV too much. You rebutted my criticism with a great challenge, indeed, an unforgettable lesson:

— “You stick with the computer, I stick with TV!”

4.969 God vs. Satan

— “Edip, you say there is only one God. But what about Satan?”

— “Satan is not God. God can destroy him in one second.”

I was expecting a challenging question from you, such as “why then God does not destroy Satan?” I was relieved when you took another path:

— “But Satan has strong muscle. He is exercising.”

4.980 What I like about you

I made a list of your close relatives, all from your mother’s side, and asked you what you like about them the most. Here are your answers:

REZA (uncle): I like him when he gets me stuff [gifts].

FERIDEH (grandma): I like her when she makes me noodle.

DEDEH (grandpa): I like him when he waters my plants.

NASIM (cousin): I like her when we go toDisneyland.

NAGHMEH (aunt): I like her when Jevad marries her.

JEVAD: I like him when he plays with me and Armin.

HENGAMEH (aunt): I like her when she takes me to Nasim’s school.

ALI (Hengameh’s husb.) I like him when he plays with me and Nasim.

MATINE (brother): I like him when he plays with me.

APAMEH: I like her when she gets me stuff.

MYSELF: I like myself when I am proud and listen to you.

Well, some of your answers were revealing and some were amazingly banal. The things you liked the most were basically playing, playing, getting gifts and eating noodles. However, what you liked about me was categorically different.

EDIP: When you go to the heaven and I see you there!

What a euphemistic expression for wanting someone to die! Egad!

5.005

“Edip, why did God want us to sleep? Why did God make the world?”

5.010

Early morning you came to me and said, “I hope I will have a wife when I grow up.” But after a short pause you expressed your reluctance: “Why do girls always fight?”